So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
