I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
