They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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