I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
