i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
