dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
