I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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