I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
