theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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