There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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