Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
