i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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