I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
cat food counts as protein by the way
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
