So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
