I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
