I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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