Little spoons don't ask big questions
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
