There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize