I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
