dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
