If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
