Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
