I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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