You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
