I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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