she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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