Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
