All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
