he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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