My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
