before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
