No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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