Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
