He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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