Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
