im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize