I hate your face
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
