I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
