I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
