the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
