Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
