I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
