Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You made out with two different species that night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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