Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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