i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
