I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
