i may or may not be watching the land before time
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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