Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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