he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
