you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
