Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize