All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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