You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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