Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
