But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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