Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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