my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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