Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
