You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
