I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
