my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
