the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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