Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize