a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
