The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
