You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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