I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I could make wine with my vomit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
