So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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