I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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