Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
