I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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