I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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