I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
