The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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