i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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