You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
